The NBA on Friday made the inevitable decision that will probably be made by other sports leagues in the near future — ads are coming to jerseys.
That opens a world of possibilities for corporate logos appearing on the uniforms worn by some of the planet’s most famous athletes. Which brand will be on the shoulder of LeBron James or the back of Stephen Curry?
There are many serious options teams must consider; what follows is not any of them.
Myself and several members of the Uproxx Sports Brand Partnership Research and Development Team, including Martin Rickman, Matthew Rothstein, Tony Xypteras and Chris Mottram, discussed the logos that should appear on the jerseys of all 30 NBA teams. These are our suggestions to commissioner Adam Silver:
Atlanta Hawks — Clermont Lounge
After you enjoy adult entertainment on the court, enjoy adult entertainment off the court!
Boston Celtics — It’s Ben Affleck sipping Dunkin’ Donuts in a duckboat.
You’ll just have to use your imagination to picture this one.
Brooklyn Nets — Mast Chocolate Brothers
Remember these idiots? They are pure Brooklyn.
Charlotte Hornets — Twitter
Look, you knew this would be their logo. Let’s all laugh and move on.
Chicago Bulls — Pizzeria Uno
Nothing says authentic deep dish pizza like Pizzeria Uno.
Cleveland Cavaliers — Stouffer’s
Nothing says authentic frozen pizza like Stouffer’s.
Dallas Mavericks — Shark Tank
You’re crazy if you think Mark Cuban isn’t promoting Mark Cuban with this.
Denver Nuggets — Marijuana
We could name a specific dispensary, but we’re just here to make a weed joke.
Detroit Pistons — RoboCop
The local police force will want to get the word out about the initiative.
Golden State Warriors — Uber
After watching the Warriors drive over teams, do the safe thing an have an Uber drive you home.
Houston Rockets — Johnny Dang & Co.
The city’s signature, and very important, fashion statement.
Indiana Pacers — Applebee’s
Because there’s nowhere good to eat in Indianapolis.
Los Angeles Clippers — Clippy from Microsoft Office
Synergy. That’s what we brand experts call this.
Los Angeles Lakers — DASH, the Kardashians’ clothing store
The Lakers look bad, but that doesn’t mean their jerseys have to.
Memphis Grizzlies — Bass Pro Shops
Sometimes the obvious brand joke is the best brand joke.
Miami Heat — Pitbull and Bud Light
You deserve this, Miami. You truly do.
Milwaukee Bucks — Milwaukee’s Beast
Only the world’s 23rd-best American beer for the NBA’s 23rd-best team.
Minnesota Timberwolves — Prince’s face and logo
He’s from Minnesota, and of course: Game. Blouses.
New Orleans — NCIS: New Orleans
What’s more Cajun than Scott Bakula’s accent on the second spinoff of a CBS show?
New York Knicks — Sbarro
It’s one of New York’s most famous pizza restaurants.
Oklahoma City — Starbucks
For the franchise that’s already stolen a team and wants to troll the former city.
Orlando Magic — Magic Mike XXL
This is brand synergy, as the Florida-based stripping movie has Magic in its title.
Philadelphia 76ers — Santa Claus
You will be booing this team for a while, so may as well get the most out of it.
Phoenix Suns — Coppertone
Because of all the sun in the desert. Get it?
Portland Trail Blazers — The Vanilla Workshop
Nothing says Portland like riding a bike that was created locally in Portland.
Sacramento Kings — Chico’s Bail Bonds
The movie is set in California, it’s the only support the Bears could get and is probably emblematic of how hard it will be for the Kings to get someone to sponsor them.
San Antonio Spurs — Alamo Rent A Car
Some are funny, some are real suggestions, some are both. This one is both.
Toronto Raptors — Drake
Drake album covers on Raptors jerseys would result getting calls on his cellphone.
Utah Jazz — Kenny G
Washington Wizards — Metro
Two things that break down and don’t work well a lot are meant to be.